Its been a long time since I've blogged and I guess I wouldn't have but Utada Hikaru's made me all mushy inside and I feel like blogging something. Let's talk about loneliness, the one thing that has been bugging me for sometime and has been nagging at my mind for a long time and has manifested itself as the warped image of her for too long. It has no form and has taken shape as that for me to feel like its tangible, a possible tangible solution. I understand that as the unwavering part of the human spirit as the longing for someone else and none of my personal reflection and pursuits into the philosophy of understanding creation, God,....etc...will ever change this feeling. But what to do with such feelings? Where do we go from here? Where do I go from here? Its not like I have no friends, I can turn to some of the most honorable people I know but why this feeling? It has driven me to define it, to control it and despite my attempts to understand my very existence, I have found my flaws, my own shattered humanity, dying to be place back together, but I've lost trust, I find it hard to believe in my God, but so desperately cling on to him. I've felt the beauty of existence, just simply standing there, listening, seeing, feeling and yet I feel like I'm delusioned, but Zen Buddhists would say I'm not and that its delusion itself that's holding me back but I'm not too sure. I've lied down just to face reality, what lies before me, that is reality, but the reality I crave is one not driven by the society of today. Suddenly, its clear to me that all my life, the source of very happiness does not lie in our material desires, but I still linger and cling onto my selfish desires, I'm attached, still too much attached to the material. So how real is the material? And how material is the real? The reason I've been so hesitant to make a choice on what I want to do in the future is because nothing offered by the university is what I desire. Sure, I have certain interests, likes and dislikes, but what has always driven me was the need to understand, the why, the need for peace of mind. Ironic that I scour and rip my mind apart to find it. And what I've said needs to be brought to life through me, but I still cannot find it in me to let go and still the loneliness persists. And for those who tell me not to think so much, I thank you but I cannot live without first finding it in myself to not be so dependent on my material self, to learn to give up when I am supposed to and when to just relax and trust God and in my own humanity and as well as others. And still loneliness persists.
(5:37 AM)